I feel the void sitting next to me, I don’t know how to exist alone. I feel it all around me. The void sits staring at me from across the room, reminding me of what I don’t have, what I lost, what I may never find again. A win with out a cheering section. A joke without a laugh. I triumph without acknowledgment. A fleeting moment of passion, an embrace, a touch, a kiss, a fuck just another reminder of loss, a band aid on a open wound. I don’t know how to stop the bleeding. I don’t know who I am? I don’t know who knows, swipe right? Like? Love? Care? Hieroglyphics, cave paintings a devolution of wisdom a deconstruction of substance. Mid life, half life, still life…… find me, I’m lost, I thought I found you, I thought you found me, better of loved and lost then to never of loved , but, was that love real ? Was there substance, its hard to find OZ once the curtain draws. The magics gone, a parlor trick slight of hand, now what ? Ignorance is bliss…… plug me back in, so I can cuddle with the stranger, so I can feel the warmth of a hug with out the knowledge of the knife hovering above my back and pretend that life is good again……

Keep vigilant and keep your wits about you on this journey the trail is riddled with thieves, criminals, and false prophets, those who hope to interrupt your journey, those who have not found there own path to tread so instead they spend their life stifling others. Vicious, envious cowards who turn away from their own truth. They know not the path they seek is buried within, deep under the muck, tar, and filth that has calcified around their soul concealing the light that once was.

Stay steady, stay focused, stay vigilant, let not the distractors attain their goal. Protect your light, keep clean your soul. Every decision made with virtue pushes you forward and clarifies the horizon, adversely every decision made in haste, made in anger, made in envy, made in selfishness, the distractor’s dark withered hand will rise from the soil and hold fast to your feet, crippling your movement forward, darkening your soul, pulling you backwards. Dark clouds will block the bright light of the horizon, the path immersed in shadow.

You are in control traveler,

heed my words and proceed, the journey that lies ahead is defined by the contents of your soul…….

“Why, why does this world constantly present challenges. Why must there always be a obstacle in the road. With knowledge, understanding and perspective I no longer rush to the destination. All I wish for now is to be left to enjoy my journey. Let me gently stroll enjoy the scenery, breathe in the crisp air, enjoy the company of my party.’

I find myslef remaining to fall into the same traps, finance, jobs, inactiveness. Although I have found a deeper clarity, the auto pilot seems to always steer me in the same direction. It calls for a urgent change, enjoy the autonomy but, adjust the wheel from time to time. Remain the pilot, the way ward sailor, correct the course. Of course enjoy the journey, breathe in the stars as they pass. Drink in the stillness, but, don’t get drunk of the sea water. Jolt yourself aware from time to time. You may be heading to a jagged shore, and it may be to late to turn your vessel. STOP, WAKE UP, RE PLOT YOUR COURSE TODAY!

Today I am cured of the disease of time, no longer am I disabled by the debilitating fear and anxiety of the future. No longer am I burdened by the regret of the past. Today I am brought back to life by the healing power of now. I fully realize that I have no control of the past and future without control, it is of no use to consider, but , in the now I have control of all things. I am cured.

Love, charity, respect, virtue, kindness, caring, contentment, peace, value, God, truth, Justice, remorse, grace, forgiveness, repentance.

We must understand what is truly good in everything we do, by our actions, by our words, by what we choose to do or not to do. How we live our lives and teach our children. In the end that is what truly matters with or without the promise of Heaven.

When we let our values slip all is not lost, but, just like with vacation you may have a heavier work load when you return. The longer you stay away from your work the heavier the workload awaits your return. Remember this when you decide to take a vacation from your values.

It is impossible for you to have full dutiful attention in all you do. One must narrow down what truly has value in life, and do his best to pay merciless attention to those things chosen. When the scope slips, review your mistakes, reconcile what you can and continue your efforts.

Discipline can be utilized in all aspects of life, love, finance, parenting, material possessions, how we learn, how we develop, the regiment we decide to utilize today can reinforce tomorrow, help one sailing on smooth seas prepare for choppy waters.

What is it? That feeling…. the one you are afraid to pursue. That thread that dangles at the back corner of your mind begging to be pulled. That yearning, that desire, that hunger for purpose, for knowledge, for reason, for choice. The duality of feeling completely connected to every living being in the known existence, as well as feeling completely and utterly alone. The feeling you get when you watch a riveting film, see a piece of art that speaks to you, hear a song that moves you to tears, complete a experience that will alter life as you know it.

Every now and then I get that feeling, a tiny almost unmeasurable sampling of something, a  incomprehensible glimpse of the great beyond/great void.  There’s a thread, a bridge, a helix, a make up…..something that we all feel, that we all relate to, that notion in our brains that separates us from all others living things on earth, self awareness? sense of purpose? existential awareness? What is this, what is life, why are we here, is life only as meaningful or purpose driven as we decide it to be or is there a goal, objective, path that is predesignated. Is it for success, faith, virtue, reproduction, knowledge, despair, death, suffering? Will there be a review? a grade? a judgement?

Jan 9th

What am I addicted to?

Evening Reflection

Today was simple, slow, uneventful, I paid for my addiction to caffeine and repetition with an awful withdrawal headache around the 3rd through fifth hour of the afternoon. This was a physical manifestation of the pain of addiction.

subtext,

We don’t realize the things we are addicted to, its not always as dangerous as drugs/alcohol or illegal vice, but daily petty addictions can affect our focus and ultimately lead us to bad decision.  The stoics teach us to identify our addiction so we can edit them out of our lives.

Jan 9th

If I don’t control what happens to me, what is left?

Morning Reflection

Perspective, interpretation, attitude. If the situation is interpreted as good do what you can to hold on to it and exist within it. If it is bad turn away from it, physically and mentally learn from it and share that knowledge with others to contribute to the common good.

Jan 10th

Where can I find steadiness?

I can find steadiness anywhere, for if I have steadiness of heart, mind, soul the things outside my control can not alter my path. Steadiness is a state of mind. I find and reinforce my steadiness through love, laughing, teaching, listening, caring, and, showing my faith through good works.